hotel room ftw
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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