There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
