just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Church boner. Awkwardddd
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
