Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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