she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
