just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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