life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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