Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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