There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
