He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
