just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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