i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
