I could have mohawked her pubes.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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