I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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