i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
