Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Randomize
