he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
