my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
