I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
