who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
