They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
