Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
