Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
