Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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