dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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