If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
