ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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