i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
