Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
