you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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