She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
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He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
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In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I'm really busy with my period
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