If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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