I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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