Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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