I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
