My nipple is on Facebook.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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