i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
