Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
