Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
