Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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