I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
