They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
