wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
