Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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