I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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