barbara walters just said penis...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
