The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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