I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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