I am puke
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
