I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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