Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
