What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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