I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
