I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
