new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
