I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
